The Final Chapter
Driving through the streets of east Toronto, I knew my hockey career was over. I had just finished my last training session on the ice, my wrist unable to handle the stress anymore. Despite cortisone shots, PRP injections, and resting it all summer, the pain was unbearable. The doctor warned me that if I continued, it would become a bigger issue. At twenty-nine, after eight seasons, I was forced to retire prematurely. A wave of fear crashed over me. "What am I going to do now? Who am I without hockey?"
Traumatic Career Termination
Traumatic career termination occurs when an athlete's career ends abruptly due to injury, finances, skill, or personal issues. Athletes who face unplanned terminations often struggle with their transition, feeling lost and purposeless without the sport that defined their lives.
Athletic Identity
Athletic identity (AI) reflects how strongly an individual identifies with their role as an athlete and its associated values and networks. Athletes with a high AI often struggle to transition into life after sport. Their social networks, career goals, physical objectives, psychological stimulation, and self-worth are deeply tied to their sport. Losing their sport means losing a core part of their identity, leading to increased mental health issues.
Kurtis Gabriel - Practice (youtube.com)
Dazed and Confused
Many elite hockey players know from a young age they’re destined for greatness, with their families pouring resources into their training. For me, elite hockey fell into my lap by chance. I played at lower levels growing up and didn’t even know what junior hockey was, let alone a pro career. On a whim from my mother, I tried out for the local junior team. I went from almost quitting hockey at 16 to being drafted to the NHL at twenty and guaranteed a pro contract. I developed a strong athletic identity, always focusing on plan A and dismissing the idea of a plan B.
At twenty-nine, I was suddenly thrust into a new life, completely different from the one I had known for thirteen years. People always told me I’d figure it out posthockey because I worked hard. I thought I would play longer and transition on my terms. I was in for some tough times.
Challenges Galore
On top of a high athletic identity and traumatic career termination, I had five diagnosed concussions and many more undiagnosed ones. Concussions during sport increase the risk of cognitive impairments and mental health issues among retired athletes. The sudden grief, withdrawal, and emptiness were crushing, leading to anxiety and depression. My intense focus on sport made it difficult to explore beyond it.
Living in a highly structured, high-pressure environment with my identity anchored to my athletic achievements, I found nothing else provided the same thrill. My purpose in life, to be the best hockey player, was gone. I had to navigate an unfamiliar and uncertain life.
Moving Forward: The Obstacle IS the Way
Over two years later, these have been the most challenging years of my life. I rushed into a job that didn’t align with my values. I needed to grieve, process, and make sense of my athletic journey. Now, I lean on a new social network, feeling foreign and uncomfortable. I realize that the obstacle is the way and pushing through discomfort is essential. Life begins outside your comfort zone, and for me, it’s about life beginning again, but reimagined.
Reframing my experience as necessary for growth is crucial. When athletes feel confused and ambivalent, they’re more likely to experience identity growth. These feelings serve as a catalyst for identity work and existential inquiry to craft a new, meaningful sense of self after sport. Elite athletes must find a way to reprioritize their interests and activities and reorient their expectations to accommodate changes.
Reframing this life altering experience as - not happening to me but FOR me - is crucial to building a new future. By using the extreme psychological and physical discipline forged during my career and applying it to something new, I aim to craft a new identity. Elite athletes must shift their focus from athletic goals to new ones, accommodating changes and creating a new, meaningful life. The journey to rebuilding a new identity involves embracing discomfort and pushing through it. Leaning on new support systems and allowing oneself to grieve the loss of their previous identity is essential. The discipline and resilience forged during an athletic career can be redirected towards new goals, fostering growth and adaptation.
In conclusion, retired athletes face significant mental health challenges due to traumatic career terminations and strong athletic identities. The transition to life after sport requires navigating a complex array of emotions and redefining one’s purpose. With the right mindset and support, it’s possible to build a fulfilling and meaningful life beyond the rink, court, or field.
Ep. 15 - Surviving the Chaos of a Spiritual Awakening w/ Kurtis Gabriel (youtube.com)
References
- Voorheis P, Silver M, Consonni J. Adaptation to life after sport for retired athletes: A scoping review of existing reviews and programs. PLoS One. 2023 Sep 21;18(9):e0291683. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0291683. PMID: 37733723; PMCID: PMC10513329.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10513329/#:~:text=This%20study%20identified%2023%20academic%20reviews%2C%2044%20gray,and%20potential%20risks%20to%20physical%20and%20mental%20health. - Roberts K, Kuhlman K, Byrd M, Hunt T. The Influence of Athletic Identity on Mental Health Symptoms During Retirement From Sport. J Sport Rehabil. 2023 May 8;32(5):630-634. doi: 10.1123/jsr.2022-0362. PMID: 37156547.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37156547/ - Moore HS, Walton SR, Eckenrod MR, Kossman MK. Biopsychosocial Experiences of Elite Athletes Retiring From Sport for Career-Ending Injuries: A Critically Appraised Topic. J Sport Rehabil. 2022 Aug 8;31(8):1095-1099. doi: 10.1123/jsr.2021-0434. PMID: 35940582.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35940582/ - Sport? A Journey of Identity Growth Paradox During Liminal Rites and Identity Moratorium. Front Psychol. 2021 Apr 16;12:644839. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.644839. PMID: 33935901; PMCID: PMC8085321.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8085321/
Kurtis Gabriel, a recent graduate from Nickerson Institute’s Integrative Mental Health Coach Training Program, suddenly and traumatically retired from professional hockey in September of 2022, at 29 years old due to repetitive wrist injuries and an erupting bipolar type two diagnosis. He was launched into the most challenging years of his life. The traumas of losing his father to suicide at age 10, repetitive brain injuries from being an enforcer in hockey, having his identity of an athlete ripped away from him and a mental health diagnosis culminated into a profound spiritual awakening. Today he is striving to instinctively use his pain to create something beautiful, to alchemize his suffering into his offering, and inspire others to do the same. Knowing that everything…everything is happening for each and every one of us, and not to us.
Phone Number: 612 412 8799
Email: kurtis_gabriel@hotmail.com
Instagram: kurtis_gabriel
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